christiancoaches.com

While the dictionary says that the word relax means “to make less firm, tense, or rigid” and to “seek rest or recreation”, how come there are so many people who go on a holiday and don’t relax? While seeking the rest and recreation they desire, the firm, tense and rigid reminders of work linger, diminished only by welcome intervals of escape. If you think this portrayal of running on empty may describe you, here are three reasons why this happens and some possible solutions.

You Have a Tired Soul

Whether you know it or admit it, your soul is so tired that even a holiday won’t do it for you. You’ve been running at a high level of emotional intensity for too long. It often shows itself in people who work with people. To keep investing at this emotional level, your body uses adrenaline. That constant heavy demand produces stress and further adrenaline draw that pushes you to do even more. It’s like an addiction and it just wears you down.

A CCN Coach Might Discuss:

In order to thrive again it’s time to sit down and actually write out on paper how you got to this point. You need a major change. Major change means totally reconstruct the way you do your work, do something else entirely or get rid of the largest cause of the problem if can be dismissed. Put a limit on the relationships that drain you. Set boundaries around how others may access you and relate to you. Work with a personal coach to gain clarity about yourself and your situation and transition to better actions. You take control.

You Have a Tired Body

Obviously I’m not addressing a slacker who’s trying to get out of doing their honest share of work. In fact, you’ve kept a physical pace well beyond your norm, haven’t you? Remember the biblical pattern of work and rest. Somewhere this pattern of pause for renewal has been abused by yourself, by others or by your perception of what others want of you. That costs.

A CCN Coach Might Discuss:

Look at your life as a whole, not as separate pieces of work, home, relaxation and service. God gives you the responsibility to take care of your whole self. Again, get out a sheet of paper and list the reasons you continue on with the hours that you do. Develop a new schedule. Decide the hours that you will work and stick to it. When tempted to work longer, work smarter. Do tomorrow’s planning the day before. Start to appreciate time out, or get out and do something different.

If there is work you absolutely cannot get out of doing (and I put the stress on “absolutely cannot”), look carefully at your discretionary hours. How do you spend them? Perhaps you need to consider changing the pace here. Take that time to renew. Watch your commitments.

You Have a Tired Spirit

You’ve been so emotionally overloaded or physically extended that you have neglected your connection with God. To come back into harmony with the One who created you could be the very thing you need to change every aspect of your present experience and give it life and vitality again.

You may even be someone who is at the pulpit, a camp or on a mission, speaking about spiritual things all the time. You’re bringing others spiritual food, but you know your own diet is an undernourished one.

A CCN Coach Might Discuss:

Allow God back into the loop. Pray. Ask for insight around your tiredness. Perhaps arrange some personal retreat time to do this. Read the Bible. If you don’t know where to start, try 2 Corinthians, a book for tired workers. Read and ask God to speak to you. He will give you insights for your own health and spiritual well being. From this new approach you’ll find strengthening that flows from the inside out. Much better you draw your energy from Him than trying to draw it from circumstances around you that you cannot have complete control of.

Gary Wood
Executive Leadership Coach
G. E. Wood and Associates

Gary is the Director of Christian Coaches Network

I was working with a young unmarried couple, he, 19 and she, 18 several months ago. Their daughter at the time was a little over two years old. She was bitter toward her birth father who was no longer married to her mother. He was resentful toward his mother. They lived together and were trying to “work things out”.

Each week when they came in, I would ask them the same question, “Well, how did it go this past week?” “Jerry” said, “We were doing fine until last night.” I asked what happened. He said, “I must have said something that irritated her because she stared raising her voice at me, using profanity and calling me names”. (You know it’s a guy who starts out this way because we men don’t have a clue when we mess up.)

“What name did she call you?”, I inquired. He said, “She called me an _______”. I turned to “Sandy” and asked, “Did you call Jerry an _______ last night?” She said, “I sure did”. I asked, “Do you think he is an _______?” Sandy said, “Last night he was.” I lost it. And they did too. (Comic relief is sometimes good.)

“Jerry, how long have you and Sandy been communicating like this?”, I asked. “Ever since we started dating”, he replied. “And how long has that been?” I asked. He said, “About four years.”

I turned back to Sandy and said, “Sandy, I am going to tell you something you have probably never heard before. I am encouraging you to change the way you talk to Jerry. The next time he says something that irritates you–and he will–I want you to tell him the following–in this tone of voice (speaking volume): “Jerry, what you just said really hurt me deeply. I want you to know that I am really angry with you right now.”

I paused for a few seconds, then leaned forward and said, “And then shut up”. Her eyes got big and with hesitation in her voice, she said, “I don’t think I can do that”. I said, “I know it will be difficult for you because this is a new way of communicating. By the way, how has your way of communicating in the past worked for you?” She smiled sheepishly. She then said, “I will work on this.” Please note that she did not say she would try. (AA has a great saying that I really love: “Trying is lying”.)

I then turned back to Jerry and asked, “If Sandy were to approach you the way I just suggested, how would you respond?” He didn’t hesitate and said, “I would do everything I could to get back into her good graces.”

While their relationship still had a lot of work, they began to communicate in a very effective way and a lot of healing resulted.

For information about what I have to offer, please visit my website at www.connectingwithlifenow.com. I can also be reached either by email at ron@connectingwithlifenow.com or by telephone at (925) 708-5337. I will be happy to talk with you about what you can do to have the marriage you want.

Ron Whitney
Marriage and Relationship Coach
Connecting With Life

Ron is a member coach of the Christian Coaches Network

January 1 turns our attention to the year, past and future.  It’s the time we ask:  Have we come far enough?  Did we meet our goals?

Prioritizing gets much attention these days.  Life is so busy that unless we figure out what’s important to us, important those things will fall by the wayside.  Spiritual growth is one of these.

We talk about putting God FIRST in our life.  But I’d like to submit to you that putting Him FIRST only makes our life disjointed, and prevents us from having the kind of relationship with God that I believe most of us desire.

Think about it.  What does it look like if you put God FIRST?  You have worship in the morning, then you go about your day.  Now that worship is finished and God is given His due, you move on to your second priority – maybe exercising, eating a healthy breakfast.  Your next priority may be going off to work.  Each item on your priority list is given your whole attention as it becomes your focus throughout the course of the day.  And where is God?  Well, He got His FIRST dues, so now He’s satisfied and you are free to move on to other people, other things.

Can you see how this compartmentalizes all of life?  Each priority takes a slot of your time and focus.  Each priority is like a slice of the pumpkin or apple pie you just ate over the holidays.

May I suggest doing something different this year?  Kick God out of your priority list!  Yes, you read that right!  Delete Him from your list of things-to-do!  Now before you hit the “delete” button on this newsletter, let me explain.

Certainly God is first in importance.  The Bible tells us that.  It also says that “by Him (Jesus) all things were created . . . through Him and for Him.  He is before all things, and in Him all things consist”  (Col 1:16-17).  But did you catch that He did not simply come first, but He is in the center of all things?  And that is what I’m saying.

God isn’t an item to be checked off a “to-do” list.  He is the center of the “to-do” list!  He isn’t a slice of the pie.  He’s in every bite of the pie!  Think of Him as the sugar in the pie or the salt in a dish of food that permeates every mouthful you eat.  He is the heart and center of every other priority you have.

Do you want a strong marriage?  Let God be in the center!  Do you want a strong body?  Follow God’s will and ways!  Do you want to knit a sweater? build a bookcase? cook a dish? fix a car?  Take God with you!  Are you stumped with a work problem?  Ask God!  Don’t know what to say to your son?  Listen for God’s answer!  Need comfort or love?  Find it in God!  Want to do something fun?  Make it something God will enjoy, too!

Take God into every activity you engage in, every task you perform.  Don’t make Him FIRST, make Him CENTRAL!  And if you do that, He will automatically be first, last, and all the way through.

Let this year, 2012, be the year you place God central in your life.  Let this be the year you make a giant leap in your spiritual life!

Sherry Manison
Spiritual Development Coaching
ReachForTheSummit

Sherry is a member of Christian Coaches Network

Doug Poll-Results Coach

As 2012 looks us square in the face, we are challenged with many obstacles as leaders in both our personal and professional lives. In their classic book, “The Leadership Challenge,” James Kouzes and Barry Posner encourage us to look back before looking ahead. They write when we first gaze into our past, we elongate our future. We enrich our future and give it details as we recall the richness of our past experiences.

With that in mind, here’s a brief look at leadership lessons I learned in 2011 and a focused approach for 2012.

• Do the hard thing. What does that look like for you? Switching jobs, firing a “C” player on your team, setting new boundaries with relationships that drain you, or maybe pressing the reset button on your marriage?  I did several of the aforementioned and started my own company in 2011 during an economic recession in Southwest Florida and also made some necessary, but difficult decisions in my marriage to win back my wife.
• Be accountable and teachable. One of the traps we fall into as leaders is the tendency to lose our ability to listen and receive instruction. We are looked to for the answers. Be the decision-makers. That’s how we’re wired. I have chosen to surround myself with several men who I’ve given permission to speak into my life both personally and professionally when they see things I am missing. It has helped me immensely in making decisions about business, marriage and family issues, spiritual matters and the like.
• Learn to connect with your family. Yes, I know the saying that our families need our “quality time.” I have learned this year that really means connect with my kids and my wife in the way they desire. With 4 kids, that becomes a difficult charge! I bring them on errands with me, turn off the laptop (fill in the media device here) to be present with them, laugh with them and listen to them. I took my 15-year-old son out for lunch during school on a workday which shocked him. I simply asked, “Are you happy?” It opened up a bright and colorful conversation and after 20 minutes we had truly connected. Try it with your family!

So, what’s ahead in 2012? Start with what matters most to you. What are your values? Mine are Family, God’s will, Hope, Accomplishment and Purpose. Next, plan to step away from the daily grind of emails, phone calls, financials, troubleshooting problems and find a place to think, pray, reflect and write. Start with 2-3 hours and work your way up to half or full days away. I will typically sense a word or two that becomes a theme for my upcoming year like Serve, Purpose or Focus. This coming year the word is Growth. The key is solitude-get away to reflect back and plan ahead. All the best in 2012!

Doug Poll is a Certified Professional Life Coach (CPLC) at his company called The Doug Poll Group. They specialize in coaching executives and leaders and also work with non-profit clients helping them raise money through a unique turn-key golf marathon event. He can be reached at doug@dougpollgroup.com or on his LinkedIn profile as well.

Quick!! Well, actually, you can take your time to think back to the time when one of you did not feel that your spouse heard what you were saying. If you never got whatever the problem was in your mind out in the open, talked it out  and cleared the air, that was the beginning of the distance that is between the two of you.

It could have happened two weeks ago, two years ago, twenty years ago or even longer. Whatever the issue was it was never resolved. And that irresolution has had a terrible impact on your relationship. You can go to all the seminars you want, weekend retreats,  counseling and read all sorts of books to learn new tools in how to relate, communicate and have a “better” relationship with your spouse and it will never happen.

The reason is that that issue (and probably more that you have accumulated along the way) will keep you from being able to have the relationship you desire. Those unresolved issues must be resolved before you will be able to put into practice the tools you have learned over the years.

Quite frequently during a coaching session, one of the spouses will say something like, “We were having an argument last night and ‘out of the blue’, she brought up something that happened seven years ago. I thought it was no longer an issue but she still thinks it is.”

I explain to him that it is “not out of the blue”. I tell him while you think it is no longer an issue, it is still an issue for her and it must be resolved. I can help you resolve those issues if you would like for me to. But I can assure you that you will never be able to move forward and have the relationship you want unless you resolve the issue(s).

I have followed couples who have chosen not to resolve these conflicts and in the vast majority of cases, their relationships deteriorate to the point that they hardly speak to each other or they are like roommates or they end up getting a divorce.  I have helped other couples who have wanted to resolve these conflicts and they are happy and thriving in their new found freedom.

I can assure you that it is not easy to go through the process of healing and getting rid of the obstacles that have been barriers to your having a healthy relationship for so long.  But it can be done.  Even though the lame man at the well at Bethesda didn’t answer Jesus’ question, Jesus healed him anyway.  It is unlikely that you will get well and have the relationship with your spouse you would like if you don’t answer yes to the question, “Do you want to get well?”  The choice is yours.

Please visit my website at www.connectingwithlifenow.com, email me at ronATconnectingwithlifenow.com or call me on my cell phone at (925) 708-5337 for a free thirty minute consultation to determine if coaching is right for you.

Ron Whitney

Marriage & Relationship Coach
Connecting With Life
Phone (925) 708-5337

Ron is a member of the Christian Coaches Network

I am a marriage and relationship coach.

O’Henry’s short story, The Gift of the Magi, is one of the most beautiful love stories of all time. If you haven’t read it, I encourage you to “Google” it and read it. It only takes about ten minutes, even if you are a slow reader. Now why did I start this blog with a reference to O’Henry’s masterpiece? Because, what I am about to tell you reminded me of this most beautiful story of love between two people when my wife called me this morning to tell me that she had vacuumed the small mess that I made on the living room floor when I brought sun flower heads and seeds to dry inside the house to keep the squirrels from getting them. I had told her that I would clean up the mess but I didn’t have the time to do it right then.

On different occasions over the years, my wife has asked me to do something and before I took the time to honor her request, she did the task herself. Now, she didn’t mind doing the job but I was always hurt that she had taken from me the pleasure I would experience from giving her my gift of time to accomplish what she had asked me to do. And I would tell her that if she wanted me to do what she asked me to do in a shorter time from than I had planned to do the job, let me know and I would adjust my schedule to make her life easier. I also told her that she was taking away my joy for doing something for her that she asked me to do. She said she would.

Now when she called and told me that she had cleaned up the mess that I made, she also said, “I was vacuuming the house and thought, ‘Ron told me he would do this but I already have the vacuum going so why not clean it up?’” Then she added, “I know you have asked me not to take away from you the pleasure you get from doing something I asked you to do or that you said you would do and, I want you to know that I didn’t vacuum up the mess to make you feel bad.” I told her that was a beautiful gift she had just given me and how much I appreciated her telling me what she just told me. She said she didn’t really think too much about it but did want me to know why she decided to clean up the mess herself.

Frequently, in my coaching sessions with couples, I will ask them if either of them did something for the other person that the recipient of the good deed expressed appreciation. One of them will say, “Yes. John did _____ the other night which really made me feel close to him.” I then ask, “Did you tell him how much what he did meant to you and how much you appreciated his gift to you?” More often than not, the answer is no. My encouragement to you is to tell your spouse when he/she does anything for you how much you appreciate what he/she did. These kinds of comments are like driving nails into the foundation as you build a strong house that will last the rest of your lives.

For information about what I have to offer, please visit my website at connectingwithlifenow.com. I can also be reached either by email at ronATconnectingwithlifenow.com or by telephone at (925) 708-5337. I will be happy to talk with you and help you discover what you can do to have the marriage or relationship you want.

Ron Whitney
Marriage and Relationship Coach
Connecting With Life
Phone (925) 708-5337
Ron is a Member Coach of the Christian Coaches Network.

Have you been wondering where God is at times in your life? Psalm 139 states that God knows about every detail of our lives and there is nowhere we can go that would take us away from his presence. But I know from my own personal experience, and that of clients, folks I talk with at church or in my small group, there often can be a gap between what I know is true about God’s personal interest and attention on my life and the reality I experience.

So what can you do to increase your attentiveness to the presence of God in your life?

• First, consider this approach as you start your day. Begin with prayer and a time of meditating on the Bible and as you read a portion of scripture affirm how you have seen God at work in your life as the writer is describing Him. For instance slowly read Psalm 42:5 – “Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again, my Savior and my God!.”

After reading this, consider how you can personalize this verse to your life. If you are discourage, afraid or anxious just tell God this! He already knows anyway. Choose to affirm God as your hope and worthy of your confidence. Agree that you will praise Him again in your life as He answers your prayers based on His promises.

• Secondly, build on the morning time of praying back the Bible passage to God, by intentionally looking for and affirming his presence during your day.

Using Psalm 42:5 say, God, I thank you that even though I am discouraged right now I chose to hope in You. Make it your own and take note of your thoughts. If you sense anxiousness, fear or discouragement say, Father, I choose to praise you even though I’m concerned about this situation. I know that you have everything under control.

• Finally, take time at the end of your day (or the following morning) to recount how you have seen God at work in your life in the previous 24 hours. I’ve found if I’m not careful I only ‘see’ God at work in my life if it is some really major answer to prayer. Or something happens that only God could have orchestrated. But when I am an investigator I’ll notice all the little ways He shows mercy, grace and love to me every day.

So go ahead and start searching for your Heavenly Father each and every day. He is waiting to be found!

Michael Pfau
Crossways Life Coaching
Life Vision | Mission | Career

Mike is a member of Christian Coaches Network

Want fresh ideas?

We have a goldmine right at our fingertips. Every month, CCN has new and fresh ideas to expand our thinking. Let’s explore just a few of them…

Want a place to list your business?

It’s FREE with your membership in CCN. You can list your website and your business and your niches. When people google for a Christian coach, CCN pops up and when they go to the site, there you are…just waiting to be found! J

Want professional support?

Every month, there are opportunities to learn from very skilled coaches. This is a FREE benefit from our membership. We can learn how to serve clients with: ADD, or by using Emotional Intelligence material, or Single parent coaching, or the Postmodern Millenial Generation coaching, or coaching using Conflict Management, or Leadership coaching, and there was even a call about Strategic Planning. That’s just some of what you may have missed out on…but next month can be different for you. You don’t have to miss out anymore. Get in line for a blessing on the CCN teaching calls.

Want emotional support?

Why not go to the CCN site and find another coach within your same niche and connect together. And remember that just participating in any of the calls during the month are ways to remember why you are doing what you are doing as a coach. It can be lonely. These calls remind us that we are not alone! And the calls tend to “normalize” what coaches naturally experience in their businesses.

Want encouragement?

The CCN site has a spot to privately enter your own prayer requests. It is confidential and only goes to the prayer team. You don’t have to wait for Stephanie to contact you each year. (Although, that is so powerfully affirming!) And don’t forget that…monthly, CCN also offers a free conference call for the purpose of praying for each other. Have you had opportunity to share with other coaches in this powerful way? What better way to advance the kingdom and to make us better coaches than praying together?

Want to do a book study with other coaches?

Book studies: That’s yet another option also available through the CCN site. I just checked and it looks like there are currently at least two book studies to choose from.

Want greater exposure on the Internet?

Write an article for the CCN blog. Like this one…for the purpose of helping and breathing new life and encouragement into other coaches. The Internet search engines pick up those posts, which also increases the likelihood of people going to the CCN site and doing a search for your name.

What’s that in your hand?

Like God said to Moses so many years ago: “What’s that in your hand?”

CCN is in our hand …a goldmine right under our fingertips…only a computer “click” away… a resource for nearly anything a coach could possible hope for…and all compliments of the very reasonably priced membership. (I’m only touching the tip of the iceberg, here.)

Is CCN in your list of Favorites?

Try checking out the site at least monthly to see what’s new. Write a blog so you can share your wisdom with other coaches. I also want you to know that if you miss the teaching calls, they are available for your use whenever it is best in your personal schedule. Just go to the CCN site to listen at your convenience. Of course, the live calls are best because you can ask questions.

A goldmine right at our fingertips. Just waiting to be mined by you and me!

Pam Taylor, Christian Life Coach, www.loavesandfishescoaching.com

I specialize in Marriage and Relationships.

You have been hurt in one or more ways over a period of time and as a result of your not addressing your hurt, you have now become angry and resentful toward your spouse or significant other. As a matter of fact, you have so much resentment that when your spouse offers an apology, you bristle because _______________.

You say that you want reconciliation but it sounds like what you really want is to exact revenge on your spouse because of the way he/she  has treated you and he/she has not done what you think he/she should have done for you to have healing. Or do you want your spouse to acknowledge what he/she did so your hurt feelings could be alleviated?

I am working with two different female clients, one of whom is married and the other who had been in a long term relationship which she ended two months ago. The married lady is resentful and livid toward her husband. And the very few times he has apologized, she has not been able to hear him. As a matter of fact, she rolls her eyes, puts her hands on her hips and sighs. (That is what she has told me she does and has done.) She is so resentful of him that instead of trying to reconcile, she wants to exact revenge in the sense that she wants him to hurt the way she is hurting.

The single lady realized that her boy friend was acting less and less like he was really interested in her. When she asked him if he thought it would be a good idea if they discontinued being girl friend and boy friend, he said, “It wouldn’t be a bad idea”. She was baffled by his response. He had initially led her to believe that she was “the one”. He was “into her” for the first year. And then his pursuing her started to wane and she started to feel she was just not very important to him.

So when she confronted him and asked him the question, his response was, “It wouldn’t be a bad idea”. And that was it. As I have been working with her about how she can best handle her pain, she told me that what she really wants from him is acknowledgement that he knows how she feels and understands the pain that she is in. If he were to do that, she would  feel so much better.

So what would you do if you were in the place of either of these ladies? How would you approach your anger and/or resentment? Do you want reconciliation? The single lady is not interested in reconciliation because of her boy friend’s response. But what about the married lady? How would you respond if you were her?

If you find yourself in either one of these situations or any other situation where your relationship with your spouse or significant other is not what you want or would like it to be, please contact me so that we can talk about it.

For information about what I have to offer, please visit my website at connectingwithlifenow.com. I can also be reached either by email at ron@connectingwithlifenow.com or by telephone at (925) 708-5337. I will be happy to talk with you about what you can do to have the marriage or relationship you want.

Ron Whitney

Marriage and Relationship Coach
Connecting With Life

Phone (925) 708-5337

Ron is a member Coach of the Christian Coaches Netw0rk

Have you considered writing a letter of apology after divorce?

Sooooo, you have been divorced for sometime (maybe several years) and you think you are ready to acknowledge to your ex-spouse either by letter, telephone or in person what you said and did during your marriage that contributed to its break up and ask him/her for forgiveness. Good for you!!

This, as you are probably aware, is not a very easy task. I found that it was real easy for me to see what faults my ex-wife had and could articulate them with great eloquence. What was much, much harder for me was to admit my contributions to the demise of our marriage. And what was really difficult to do was admit these things without adding a “but” or “however“. For example, I would say, “I know I did this or that but I did it because you _____”. Or, “I know I did this or that; however, if you had not done ______, I would not have done what I did.”

Another problem I had with writing the letter was my expectations of what I thought she might say. I thought things like, “She won’t read it” and “She will write me a scathing letter and tell me to never contact her again” and “She will write me a letter and tell me she does not believe what I said and doesn’t care”.

It took me at least six years, possibly seven or eight, before I was able to finalize a letter to her. I wrote numerous rough drafts before I could get rid of the “buts” and “howevers“. I am including the letter I wrote her in hopes that it might help you in your desire to let your ex-spouse know that you not only acknowledge your contributions in the demise of your marriage but you also tell her how sorry you are that you hurt her.

Dear Kathryn:

I have agonized over writing you for several years, trying to figure out how I would say what I want to say. I want to tell you how deeply sorry I am that I offended you in numerous ways during our marriage.

I am deeply sorry that I was not emotionally available to you. You were right in your frequent complaints that I “was always down the street and around the corner.” I am deeply sorry that I allowed my interests in Auburn football, softball, umpiring and church activities to get in the way of our relationship.

I am deeply sorry that I did not express my anger toward you when anger would have been an appropriate response. I recall on more than one occasion you asked me if I never got angry with you. My response was always, “I choose not to get angry.” I was so arrogant. I am deeply sorry that I did not confront you in a loving, compassionate way when I thought you were out of line. I am deeply sorry that I denied for almost all of our married life that I had a problem or that we had a problem. I hope that you will forgive me for these ways I am aware that I offended you and caused you great pain. I also hope that you will forgive me for those offenses of which I am not aware.

Sincerely,

Ron

For information about what I have to offer, please visit my website at connectingwithlifenow.com. I can also be reached either by email at ron@connectingatlifenow.com or by telephone at ((925) 708-5337 I will be happy to talk with you further if you have any questions about letting go.

Ron Whitney

Marriage and Relationship Coach
Connecting With Life

Phone (925) 708-5337

Ron is a Member Coach of the Christian Coaches Network.